Dating in a wheelchair

Dating people with disabilities is still a taboo for many. Doubts and misunderstandings about disabilities hinder relationships between people with and without wheelchairs, even though such relationships can certainly be romantic and work well. We summarize dating experiences of individuals in wheelchairs and provide tips on how to tackle common challenges.

Disclaimer: The author of this article is not in a wheelchair but is very interested in the topic. All stories and tips have been derived from the experiences of people with disabilities.

Experiences with dating with a spinal cord injury

Noah explains the limitations of dating in a wheelchair

Noah is trans and bisexual. Since a car accident at the age of 17, he has been living with a spinal cord injury and wants to get back into the dating scene. However, the wheelchair hinders him in various situations. For example, he cannot hold his date's hand because he needs his hands for the wheelchair. He also shares that it is exhausting to have to explain his sexual functions repeatedly. This greatly limits spontaneity, no matter how open the other person is.

Noah would like to hold his date's hand while walking, but he needs his hands for the wheelchair. (Photo: https://www.backuptrust.org.uk)

The spinal cord injury charity Back Up has assigned Tony as a mentor to Noah. As a gay man in a wheelchair himself, Tony understands Noah's needs well. Together, they have been working on improving Noah's self-confidence. Tony has also explained to Noah that he does not owe anyone an explanation. The community that Noah has built is very important to him when it comes to navigating dating life and sharing experiences.

Three people with disabilities share their quirky dating experiences

Three people with disabilities from the UK shared their experiences of online and personal dating with the British newspaper The Guardian: “Disabled dating on Tinder: ‘People ask if I can have sex’.”

Like other people, they tried their luck on online dating platforms. They had similar doubts: Should one upload a profile picture that shows the disability? When is the best time to reveal the disability to a potential date?

The grim reality is that a disability is almost never well received, no matter when it is disclosed. Rarely does one gain bonus points for honesty when laying all the cards on the table right away. Most non-disabled people lose interest or, as described in the article, fear that a disabled person cannot have sex.

If the disability is not mentioned right away, the online part might go well. However, it usually becomes difficult during the first meeting. Michelle Middleton from Liverpool has cerebral palsy and limps. In the article, the then 26-year-old shares her terrible experience with a guy during her first (and last) meeting. He commented on her disability: “Come on, you said you limped a little, but that is definitely more than just a little limp. You can't sugarcoat that!” Michelle was so shocked that she immediately left the room.

Michelle Middleton’s profile photo on Tinder. (Image: https://www.theguardian.com)

The wheelchair helps Ali weed out the superficial men

Ali Ingersoll is over 40, divorced, and tetraplegic. After seven years of intensive medical care, she wants to rediscover her body confidence and sense of sexiness, so she tries online dating. Ali approaches this journey with humor and openness, Writing about her experiences in her blog.

She shares that her wheelchair acts as a filter. Anyone deterred by it wouldn't look beyond her facade anyway, saving her time that she prefers to spend with genuine men.

It took her a while to accept herself and her new situation, but now she has the confidence to take control. She knows exactly what she wants and what she deserves. After meeting several “frogs” (Ali's words), she has found a wonderful man who loves her for all her strengths and weaknesses and stays by her side.

For Ali Ingersoll, the wheelchair serves as a filter against superficial men. (Image: https://aliingersoll.com/)

There is a need for (sexual) education about disabilities

It is not surprising that many able-bodied individuals behave disappointingly when dating people with disabilities. In a 2015 study in the UK, 500 able-bodied individuals were surveyed. Only about five percent of them had ever dated a disabled person they met online, and eight out of ten had never taken a person with a disability to a social event.

Those who have never interacted with people in wheelchairs face many questions before and during dating and are afraid of doing something wrong. Many may not have the time or energy to enter into a relationship with someone in a wheelchair. Additionally, myths such as “sex is not possible” or “the partner is responsible for caregiving” circulate, contributing to misunderstandings.

The famous film The Intouchables (link to the trailer) tells the story of Philippe, a tetraplegic, and his caregiver Driss. The film humorously illustrates that life is still worth living despite significant limitations. It also offers a glimpse into sexuality with tetraplegia. You might recall the scene where Driss tells a call girl to only caress Philippe’s ears since he can’t feel anything else.

“No, no, not further. Take care of the ears,” says Driss, the caregiver of the tetraplegic Philippe, to a call girl in the film The Intouchables. (Image: https://www.youtube.com)

This type of education about disabilities can be helpful, as many people learn from it. Unfortunately, there are only a few good films or books about individuals with disabilities, leaving many questions and uncertainties that complicate the situation for both parties.

Challenges and tips for dating while in a wheelchair

There is no right or wrong in dating, as we are individual personalities with different approaches. However, there are some things we can use as guidance to date more successfully – or at least more relaxed. The following dating tips are based on the experiences of people in wheelchairs.

Challenge 1: Openly discussing disability

Early in the dating process, questions arise such as, “Should I show the wheelchair in my profile?” – and if I choose not to, “When should I address the elephant in the room?” If the topic is brought up too early, there's a risk that the other person might quickly withdraw due to feeling overwhelmed, prejudices, or other reasons. On the other hand, if the disability is addressed too late, the other person may feel deceived.

Tip: It’s a balancing act – it's best to listen to your gut feeling about when the right time has come. It’s important that we determine for ourselves what we share and how much we reveal to the other person.

Ali Ingersoll advises in her online dating tips to openly communicate about one’s disability. In her opinion, people who cannot handle it will naturally be eliminated.

Challenge 2: Being content with oneself

This is easier said than done, as Andrea Lausell notes in the article “My Body Has Always Been Deemed ‘Desirable.’ Then I Started Using a Wheelchair.”

Tip: In dating, personality is at the forefront. According to Andrea Lausell, this includes the wheelchair as well – but character, humor, and interests were part of the person even before using a wheelchair and have not changed. Additionally, one can still look sexy while in a wheelchair.

Challenge 3: Accessible meeting place

A date at a restaurant becomes problematic if it is not accessible.

Tip: Check in advance whether the meeting place is wheelchair accessible. This may make the date less spontaneous, but it helps avoid uncomfortable situations. In a tense situation like dating, there is no need for additional uncertainty, as emphasized by Rhonel Cinous and Ryan DeRoche in their podcast.

In the The Ramp.It.Up! Podcast, the two tetraplegics Rhonel Cinous and Ryan DeRoche discuss dating after a spinal cord injury from a male perspective. You can listen to the episode “Guide to Dating After SCI for Men” here.

Challenge 4: Patience in dating

Is it just not working out with the “right” date? And with each time, your self-confidence decreases?

Tip: Even though many might not want to hear it anymore – dating rarely happens quickly and requires perseverance. Setbacks are completely normal, as explained by Rhonel Cinous and Ryan DeRoche in their podcast. Sharing experiences with like-minded individuals can help process what you've gone through. Sometimes, it can also be beneficial to seek advice from them.

Often, there are reports of a lack of self-confidence and the mindset of having to settle for the first best match. However, this is not true – everyone deserves to find their “perfect match.” Andrea Lausell also recommends not to make one’s happiness generally dependent on other people.

For a successful date, many challenges need to be overcome, especially when one is in a wheelchair. (Image: https://www.freepik.com)

Online dating is not easy and comes with doubts and fears. When a wheelchair is involved, it becomes even more challenging. It takes courage and self-confidence to accept oneself and recognize one's worth. We are all individuals with different needs and personalities – whether with or without a wheelchair.

What experiences have you had while dating? Share them with us.